Well - my heart is broken, yet again.

Today was going pretty good - the usual Sunday (wake up, watch football, eat lunch with the family, watch football some more). We went to the cemetary - like usual - to check the flowers and make sure everything was okay at the girls' gravesite. But... it wasn't.

The flowers I made for my babies are GONE!!!

The other day, they were in the middle of the hill - so we put them back -- thinking maybe the wind blew them off (even though we haven't had any winds that would blow them off).

But today, they were GONE! I walked and walked - through the cemetary - down off in the very back - on the back of the hill - in the woods --- nothing. IF the wind would have blown them - I would have found them over on the back of the hill - by the woods. Nothing - they are GONE.

I cried and cried. I mean, WHO in the hell would take flowers??? I've heard of people taking things from the cemetaries - like little figurines and stuff -- but FLOWERS??? And it's not like they didn't KNOW they were for babies -- I even made a bow out of ribbon that had little teddy bears on it!

They are in the nicest part of the cemetary too. They are STILL 2 of the only 3 people on that hill top - I'm not exactly sure how much my mom paid for us to be able to put them there - but I KNOW it was ALOT!!! But that doesn't even matter -- WHO THE HELL STEALS FROM A CEMETARY!?!?!?

That's an automatic one-way pass to hell if you ask me!

People are just f*ckin SICK!!!!

I mean, those are people's FAMILY MEMBERS in the cemetary - not just headstones & flowers. How could someone disrespect the people who have passed like that? And for WHAT??? For FLOWERS???

They never touched the other flowers we have taken out there - the ones we buy from the florist. Nooooo they take the ones that I MADE - the ones I worked sooooo hard on! They took flowers from MY BABIES!!!!!

I have officially lost all hope in man kind. That just BLOWS my mind.... STEALING FROM THE DEAD???

STEALING FROM ANGELS???

FROM ANGEL BABIES???

Jesus - what has this world come to???

This is a new poem I just wrote a few hours ago - Hope you enjoy :)

Since the day I lay them down in their final place,
I beg the Lord my soul to take and their souls to replace.
I scream the words of the prayers that grieving mothers pray:
“God, you should have taken me instead and let my babies stay!
I’ll trade my life, just say the word, I’ll take my final breath.
This life without them is too hard! This pain is worse than death!”
Then He whispers to me “Come, let me calm your fears.
I know how much you love them, by counting all your tears.
I feel the hurt in your heart, each pain that you endure.
I know you miss them, but they are fine - both beautiful and pure.
I wish I could have let them stay. They cried and begged me too.
I thought about it. I must admit, I didn’t know what to do.
Please understand this wasn’t my plan, as you already know.
I wanted to let them stay with you, so you could watch them grow.
But, I knew the fight to come, since my plan was thrown off track.
They were too perfect to stay on Earth - so, I brought them back.
Don’t worry, my child, they are there - each second you’re awake.
They are there to catch each tear and in every breath you take.
Stay strong, my child, and keep your faith - I have plans for you.
You have given your life to me - now watch what I can do.”
Written By:
Laila’s & Jaida’s
Mommy

I got this note from one of my "Friends with an Angel" on myspace. Her little nephew Lukas is an Angel too. This goes to show that there ARE Angels among us and the littlest ones seem to be the "loudest" :) This truely touched my heart ~ Now I know that my girls are touching other people's lives all the way from Heaven. It lets me know that my efforts to keep their memories alive are definately effective.

So here is the note:

wow,
So today I was wondering if all the little angel babies whose families I pray for (like your girls!) know that I have so much love for them... I was wondering if them and my angel nephew Lukas know each other, if they play in Heaven together - things like that. not something I had ever really thought of before.
Your girls gave me my answer. . . . . I came home this evening after going to check on my dad's house and bring in the mail while he is on vacation. I drove home the long way which takes me past Lukas's cemetary so I could blow kisses to him - - the same time I was thinking what I told you about. (*about our Angels knowing eachother*)
I came home and my husband said he wanted to go get some snacks from the gas station, which he is known to do every now and then. He always comes home with pop and candy... I told him he didn't need to go - let's just do it tomorrow but he really wanted chocolate.
He comes home - and let me preface by saying I have not eaten a Twinkie for over 20 years I bet, I don't really like them, and my kids (unless they had them at a friends house I guess) have before tonight never had one. We have never bought them, never had them in our house.... even when I did have them it was at summer camp as a kid and one of my friends shared them.
But guess what my husband brought home - 2 Twinkies! I saw him pull them out of the bag and hand them to our daughter Allison, I asked why he got those, we don't like twinkies... he had no reason really - he couldn't have thought that Alli would like them, she's never had them.
So anyway, I think your girls were saying hello to me! After "meeting you" that is the only thing Twinkies remind me of, besides summer camp and how I don't really like Twinkies. I guess Laila and Jaida wanted me to know they are somewhere around, no reason for them to know me except that I do love them and have them in my heart after seeing their pictures and learning about them and you.
Maybe they wanted me to tell you hello, who knows. So there it is... I just wanted to let you know. It made me smile. I'm senidng up kisses and hugs to heaven tonight for them.
=)
Heather

Pretty amazing huh??? Sometimes a little faith goes a long way.

God Bless

Jennifer

It has been 7 months now ~ since I met my Angels. As of 2:02am & 2:04am yesterday (10-6-06) it was 7 months since they were born...

As of 7:20pm yesterday it was 7 months since Laila grew her wings...

And as 10:06am today, it will be 7 months since Jaida grew her wings too...

7 months but I'm still stuck in time ~ still stuck in the past.

I try to keep busy by making & editing images with photoshop ~ keep my mind moving, ya know? I haven't been able to go back to work yet... physically I am able to... mentally & emotionally, not yet. I still have this incredible fear/anger/resentment for the medical field ~ I can't stand being around doctors, nurses, ambulances, or hospitals.... which is not good because I am a nurse. The medical field failed me when I needed them the most.... they destroyed my life & basically took my babies' lives. My girls were SUPPOSED to be here... on Earth... with ME. But, due to horrible medical care (or lack of care)... they aren't here ~ except in spirit. Anyway, since I am a nurse, I haven't wanted to go back to work after all this. I worked for a geriatric doctor ~ but I only went to nursing homes. I would assess & monitor his patients, type reports for him, and played the "middle man" between him, the patients, & the nurses at the facilities ~ I LOVED my job. I LOVED being a nurse. I had this whole "save the world one life at a time" attitude. I was soooo proud to be a nurse ~ the feeling I got from knowing I helped people was amazing. I thought ALL nurses were like me ~ wanting to help people..... but they aren't. I thought ALL doctors were just wonderful... full of hope.... but they aren't either. So, after my girls lives were cut short by medical errors ~ I lost my faith. I made a promise to myself before I became a nurse that I would never take care of ANYONE (as a nurse) if my heart wasn't in it.... that I would never show up "just because"....  and as of now, I don't have that attitude. I hope it will change because I really did LOVE being a nurse.... now, I just have a piece of paper that says I am one but my heart says I'm not ready to be a nurse yet.

Anyway, I made a flower arrangement to take to the cemetery for the girls. It was my first attempt at anything like this ~ but I think it turned out pretty good. I know it was definately "made with love". I even made the bow on it out of ribbon! I plan on making all of their arrangements from now on. It's sooooo hard to find a "perfect" arrangement for them... everything is so cliche.... so unoriginal. The way I see it is, my girls were both very unique so everything that represents them needs to be unique.

Here are the pics....

I'm going to try to sleep now (since it's 5am now). I'll write again soon!

*Jennifer*

Hey! Here are some more pics that I did in photoshop. Is it possible to be "addicted" to photoshop?? I guess since I can't really "give" my babies anything ~ I can MAKE things (in their honor).

Anyway ~ enjoy the pics & let me know what you think!

~~This one is from their funeral (left-right: My mother, me, Greg)~~

~~This is a close up on my right eye that I edited~~

I have had many people ask why we moved our girls to a new cemetary.... here is why:

Before I begin, let me just say that my girls were the first loved ones I have ever lost - and their funeral was the first one I had ever been too.

Laila's & Jaida's "Grave-side service" was set for March 10, 2006 @ 2pm. It was the most beautiful day of the year ~ warm (mid 70's), light breeze, not a cloud in the sky ~~ I know God painted that day just for us and our Angels.

The service was absolutely beautiful!!! My Aunt Carolyn & Greg's Aunt Mable both gave wonderful speeches ~ my sister-in-law, Kelly, sang. Even in my drug-induced stooper  (I was heavily medicated with pain medication & anti-anxiety medication) I remember every second of it.

Anyway - the girls' casket was on a platform type thing so we all assumed that they would just be lowered into the ground after we left. Infact, we asked the funeral director, "Will they be placed right here?" and he said "They will be right where you leave them."

About a week later - after I had time to heal some from my c-section - we went back to visit our girls -- back to the spot where we had the service. We didn't see any of their flowers or anything.... ("What the hell??") We looked at the only marker in that spot - it belonged to a woman that was burried in 1940 or something.... ("Huh?? So WHERE are my babies?!?!?!"). I cannot describe the feeling of not being able to FIND your babies - especially after you are told "They will be right where you leave them" -- Well... I left them HERE... and they aren't HERE!!!!

So we did a visual survey of the area... looking for a "new grave". Then Greg spotted one of the flower arrangements that we had at the service - so we went over to check it out. It was across the cemetary street -- ("What?? Why is it over here??"). When we got to the flowers - sure enough, they were Laila's & Jaida's -- but the name on the grave was NOT theirs'. So we started reading the names... and about 3 graves down, there they were. Now this area where they were burried - was a ditch!!! Yes I said it, a DITCH!!! Or you could call it a "median" since it was right by a main road - on the edge of the cemetary. (I have pics if anyone thinks I am exaggerating). Plus, we left two angel figurines - one of them was GONE and the other had rolled down the ditch into a water puddle (it had been raining). Not to mention the fact that we couldn't even walk between the graves!!! And these were people's BABIES - this area is called "Baby Land" (WHAT THE HELL???"). I will add that (from what I could tell) these were babies probably didn't have services or even NAMES other than their parents' last names. The little markers had names like "Baby Phillips" and "Baby Smith".

So, let me refresh you -- my girls were NOT where we left them, they were across the street, in a ditch, their flowers were NOT on their grave, one of their angels was GONE, one was in a mud puddle, we couldn't walk between the graves and all of this was a "surprise" to us!!! My mom handled the arrangements so I called her ~ crying hysterically ~ and she was PISSED!!! Like I said EVERYONE thought they would be placed right there - where we had the "Grave-Side Service"!!! Plus, she was PISSED because they didn't really give her an option.... they said "We will give you a free plot in 'Baby Land'" and it SOUNDED nice. But they never showed her "Baby Land" nor did they offer to sell her another plot!! Geeeez!! What the hell is WRONG with people!?!?! That is just SICK!!!

Well, needless to say, we took the necessary steps to have our girls moved out of that damn ditch! I could not STAND having them there ~ I had nightmares all the time about walking in the cemetary... looking for my babies and not being able to find them... hearing them cry and looking and looking for them... AWFUL!!!

Finally, after the paperwork was filed - we were able to bring the girls to their new resting place. We met the director from the new cemetary at the old cemetary, along with some "representatives&quo t; of the first funeral home -- they never said a word to us - which was probably for the best. We had a small ceremony at the new cemetary. The people there were WONDERFUL!!! Even though we had to leave before they would "place them" in the ground (they had to put in a marble vault first because the girls' casket was in a little plastic vault - so they put the girls, their casket, and the plastic vault inside the marble one) - they let me watch them put them in the ground - let me put their twinkies & bears & letter to heaven in with them. Like I said, I know they had to take all of it out after we left and put the marble vault & them back in (along with their stuff). But they went through the "actions" with us. They understood that I needed to SEE them place my babies to rest - it meant so much to me that they took the time to "pretend" to do it --- even though we all knew they wouldn't really "place" them then. They told us to give them an hour to get them placed and put the dirt back - So we did, and when we came back after an hour --- it was BEAUTIFUL!!! I knew that my babies were finally "safe" and out of that damn ditch!!!

Their gravesite now is 5min from our house - ALOT closer than the other cemetary. Plus, they are at the top of a hill... in the center of the cemetary... under a tree. There is only one other man burried on that hill top right now. Infact, that hill top wasn't even available for a LONG time - not until that man passed (he was a multi-millionaire) and his family said they didn't care how much it would cost for them to buy that property - soooo.... they did. And I guess they sold part of it back to the cemetary for them to sell plots up there. My family has an "estate" now on that hill top (which is 4 plots) - Laila & Jaida are placed in one of the plots (which is an "adult sized" plot) - I will be placed next to them - Greg wants to be cremated so he didn't want a plot - my mom will be placed there too - along with her significant other in the last plot. The whole cemetary is beautiful!!!

Whew! That was a long blog!! But now you all know why we HAD to move our baby girls. Thank you for taking the time to read this :)

Here are some more things I did in photoshop. (I think I'm addicted - hehehe)

~ Please Remember ~

the ones we will NEVER FORGET!!!!

~ Jennifer ~ Mommy to Twin Angels

^i^Laila & Jaida^i^

Hey everyone! This is a quote taken from my favorite book "Deeper Than Tears" - I used photoshop to put make an image.  This quote hold sooooo much truth. Think about it!

This is a pic of two little lambs that I got as a gift at my twin baby girls' funeral. I used photoshop to edit it and added a poem that I wrote. Here is the finished product...........not bad huh. 

Yep ~ It's official. 6 months.  Half a year since I met my Angels.

Seems like it just happened. I can still close my eyes and I'm there. I can still feel them squirming around inside of me ~ fighting for space. It doesn't seem like a long time. Especially if I were to measure it by my "mental & emotional progress" ~ if that were the case, I'd still be back in March. But, occording to the calendar, it's been 6 months... Damn.

Here is a poem I wrote ~ it took two days. I started on the 6th ~ and finished it on the 7th.

It’s been 6months since you grew wings
Has it really been half a year?
I count each second of every day
And wish that you were here

It’s been 6months since you grew wings
And tears still fall from the pain
I think about you constantly
Your faces are burned into my brain

It’s been 6months since you grew wings
Yet it seems not long ago
I can close my eyes and still feel you
Oh how I wish you didn’t go

It’s been 6months since you grew wings
And this world still feels so strange
My heart still hurts from missing you
But that will never change

It’s been 6months since you grew wings
Some say I’ve had time to heal
But the pain and emptiness
Still makes it hard to deal

It’s been 6months since you grew wings
But I love you just the same
My days are filled with your memories
And your pictures in a frame

It’s been 6months since you grew wings
Has it really been half a year?
I'll close my eyes and say a prayer
And still wish you were here. 

It's after 3am - do you know where YOUR sleep is??  Me either.

Seems like late nites are a common part of my life now. Even when I have taken sleeping pills (only over-the-counter -- nothing major). Still, here I am - wide awake and a little bit buzzed from the pills.  Looks like my Circadium Rhythm is off beat - imagine that.

Maybe it's the recurrent nitemares I have.

Maybe it's bcuz my mind races and goes on these "field-trips"&n bsp;~~  but I didn't sign the "permission slip"....did I?

Whatever the reason ~ it is what it is.... and here I sit.... watching the clock. Not really sure what I'm watching it for. It's not like I have anything to do. Besides the Labor Day get-together we are having later today ~  Another holiday without my girls in my arms.  I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since my girls flew away. I am a memeber of several online "grief groups" and get numerous emails/posts from women who have lost their children due to still birth/miscarriage/neonata l death. Not exactly a group I wanted to be part of ~ but, nonetheless, I am. I read these women's emails/posts of how they are dealing with going back to work, coping with everday life, and healing ~ some who have even had children after their losses or are currently pregnant or trying to conceive. I know everyone deals with grief differently ~ but why do I feel like the "odd ball out"? I'm not working yet, I'm not pregnant again or trying to conceive, and I still have alot of problems trying to cope with everyday life. I talked to one ignorant man last nite on yahoo messenger ~ he just popped up out of nowhere saying he saw my profile on some site and said he "liked my body".  After I tried to politely tell him that I am not interested in conversations that involve his attraction to my "body" and told him that I am still in the process of grieving the loss of my daughters ~~ I got very frank and brutal with him. He was obviously intoxicated to the point where his mere typing was an instant indicator of his state of mind. He even told me that he had lost his daughter a while ago (she lived 6hrs). But then.... the shit hit the fan... he said something along the lines of "get over it" ~ and that was too much for me.  At first I was kind of stunned that he would even say anything like that ~ especially right after he told me about his daughter. Surely I hallucinated and misread his typing...right? WRONG!!! I laid it all out for him. Get Over It??? I even asked him if he was "serious"... sadly, he was serious. I didn't know what else to say ~ I did however say a prayer for him. Obviously he needed some spiritual intervention if he told me ~ a mother grieving the loss of her children ~ to "get over it". 

People are so ignorant sometimes ~ ignorant to the point of almost disbelief.  What the hell happened to empathy ~ or atleast SYMPATHY? I know that death ~ especially the death of children ~ makes people uncomfortable sometimes. I know that some people will not know what to say ~~ Actually, if you don't know what to say... say exactly that ~ "I don't know what to say". It's that simple. I don't expect people to understand my grief ~ all I ask is don't minimize it, don't judge my grieving process, and don't judge me. Some people (whom I would have considered friends) even act like I have "the plague" or something ~ Like I'm "damaged goods".

Even though grief may be observed by others, either subjectively or objectively ~it's not contagious. 

20 Things parents of Angels Wish People Would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my babies. The truth is
just because you never saw my babies doesn't mean they don't deserve
your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my babies and I cried you didn't
think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my babies. The
truth is I need to cry and talk about my babies with you. Crying and
emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my babies more than once. The
truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and
that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my
babies. The truth is I love my babies and need to talk about them.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my babies died and that
you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory
for me. The truth is the memory of my babies, the love I feel for my
babies, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my
babies are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but
please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my babies never existed. The
truth is we both know I had a babies growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you
think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and
we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or
if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I
should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to
act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my
babies doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel
isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with"
in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it
may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my babies weren't really babies
and they were blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my babies
were human lives. My babies had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and
a face. I have seen my babies' body and face. My babies were real
people - and they were alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my
babies were born and the days I lost my babies are all important and
sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or
by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my babies has changed me. The
truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be
that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back
to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new
thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the
real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth
is I want the babies I lost and no other baby can replace them.
Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we
have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about
my babies or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is
it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my
friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone
thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is
uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me
something was wrong with my babies. The truth is my babies were
perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you
say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know?
What will you say if it happens to me again?

Lord, I have een so defeated by circumstances. I have felt like and animal trapped in a corner with nowhere to flee. Where are You in all this, Lord? The night is dark. I cannot feel Your presence.

Help me to know that the darkness is really "Shade of Your hand, outstretched caressingly"; that the "hemming in" is Your doing. Perhaps there was no other way You could get my full attention, no other way I would allow You to demonstrate what You can do in my life.

I see now that the emptier my cup is, the more space there is ro receive Your love and supply.

-Catherine Marshall

Adventures in Prayer

I just read that in my Deeper Than Tears book. It really helped me to see some things. The past 5 months have been brutal on my heart and soul - this helped though. The irony of this is that the Author of that specific excerpt has the same name as the girls' paternal grandmother - who is also in Heaven. I believe that certain things happen for a reason - and I believe that I was intended to read that specific excerpt at this specific time in my life.

--Trust in the Lord with

all your heart, and

lean not on your own

understanding.--

Proverbs 3:5

Well, yesterday marked 5months since my nitemare began - 5months since my girls were ripped from my womb - 5months since my first born child, Laila, became an angel. Today marks 5months since my second sweet baby, Jaida, joined her sister in "Eternity". 5months. Obviously, in counting the days, time does keep moving. So, why do I feel stuck? I feel like I'm just caught in Limbo. It's been almost half a year since I had my baby girls - and to me it seems like it happened today! I live those days over and over again. The memories of being in labor, being so scared for my babies, not knowing what will happen fill my every thought. I play the sequence over and over again in my head. I remember it all - the "cramping", the helplessness, the fear. I remember the ambulance ride to the second hospital - the looks I got when we passed through the ER at the new hospital - I was holding my belly and trying to "breathe through" the contractions. I remember laying on the operating table for HOURS in labor. Each and every moment fills my thoughts and weighs heavy on my heart. After I had my babies - I could barely move from the pain of the c-section - but I HAD to go see them in the NICU. I cried with every move I made - it hurt soooooo bad. But, I needed to see them. I remember the first time I went in the NICU - Greg at my side. All the nurses forced a smile and I heard whispers of "there's the twins' mommy". I remember the first time I saw my tiny miracles. All the machines, all the tubes - I didn't see any of that when I looked at them - I saw my angels. And they were completely AMAZING. It blew my mind how strong their tiny bodies were. They fought soooo soooo hard. When I was in the NICU, they knew it. Their heart rates increased a little bit and they squirmed a little more.

Everything was okay - for a while. Then the infamous words "any further efforts would be futile" were spoken into the universe. Those words still echo in my head. That was the beginning of the end of my girls lives. When they tried everything and nothing was helping anymore - that is when the doctors told me those horrifying words. From then on - my life has been anything but "normal". I wake up at nite because of the nitemares. I cry myself to sleep alot - I try to do it quietly though, because I don't want to upset Greg (or anyone else). I still have the "aching arms" because I want to hold my babies. My incision from my c-section hurts all the time. But, the physical pain is NOTHING compared to the hurt in my heart - in my soul. Of course, like I said before, there is that "lump" in my throat all the time - from fighting the tears. I feel like a Zombie most of the time. I know that the rest of my family hurts from losing the girls - but I know they will never feel like I do. Nor, do I want them to. I wouldn't want anyone to feel this pain, ever. It really feels like my soul has taken a beating - my heart has been smashed. My big brother asked me the other day "What are you doing for yourself, to help yourself heal?" - and I told him, "I pray." That is really all I do. I pray all the time for God to give me some peace to help me make it through the day. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a room - by myself - and just be there. I don't like to be talked to all the time. I don't like to hear everyone's opinions on how or what I should be doing. I feel alone in the world - other than God - and sometimes I just want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE!" But, that would be rude - and grief is no excuse for being tacky. 5months -- and counting. I will keep on - as I must. I know I have a message for the world - and I have two angels to tell the world about. Two amazing miracles.

Jesus Heard You...

Jesus heard when you prayed last night.

He talked with God about you.

Jesus was there when you fought your fight,

he is going to bring you through.

Jesus knew when you shed those tears,

you did not weep alone.

The burdens you thought too heavy to bear,

he made them his very own.

Jesus himself was touched by that trial,

you could not understand.

Jesus stood by you as you almost fell

and lovingly clasped your hand.

Jesus cared when you bore that pain,

indeed, he bore it too.

He felt each pain, each ache in your heart,

because of his love for you.

--Corrie ten Boom-- "He Cares, He Comforts"

We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, --

This debt we pay to human guile;

And mouth with myriad subleties.

"Most of us would not mind being a saint; we just do not want to take the course for sainthood. We woudn't mind coming out gold; we just don't want to go through the refiner's fire. And being like clay in the potter's hand doesn't appeal to us too much either. We might opt for being great if we just didn't have to become great."

--by Verdell Davis - in Riches Stored in Places

As you should know by now, I had twin baby girls on 3-6-06 Laila Brooke & Jaida Lynn & they flew away too soon; Laila after 17hrs 18min & Jaida after 32hrs 2min. I MISS YOU BABY GIRLS!!! Anyway, one of my friends told me a few weeks ago that she was pregnant again. Her last baby was born 3-7-06 which was the day after I had the girls and the same day that Jaida passed away. I really am very happy for her. Today though, she told me that it looks like a twin pregnancy. OUCH!!! The knife in my heart just got twisted. PLEASE don't get me wrong - I AM VERY VERY happy for her, she is a great friend - and yes, she does know all about the girls - and yes, she "checked" with me before she told me -- so I have no problem with that. I just don't even really know HOW to feel. I mean, she has two beautiful baby boys already - and is now pregnant again with what seems to be twins. Man... this cruel cruel world. Now I feel like an ASS for even being upset. I mean , SHE didn't do it. Good lord -- am I wrong for feeling this way? I guess I'm jealous. Jealous that she is already a mother and is going to be a mother again. Oh, and the "babies" are due in March '07 - like I said, my girls were born March 6, 2006. I wanted to be a mommy SOOOOO damn bad - I wanted to have my girls here SOOOOOO damn bad. I still am a mommy - in every aspect of the word - but my girls are in Heaven. I just am kind of at a loss of words right now. My mind is racing - my hands are shaking - my heart is pounding - that damn lump in my throat is about to choke me! - the "tear threshold" just got smaller. I will have to pray extra hard today for God to help me get through. Geeeeeez, I keep saying to myself "God must really think I'm strong to keep throwin g me theses curve-balls" - I don't FEEL like I'm living up to his expectations. I don't know if I'm  &q uot;doing this right". I guess I am since I still have my right mind - for the most part. I have reached the point where I'm damn near could be diagnosed as "borderline personality". For example, I hate to go to sleep because of the nightmares - but I like to sleep in a way because sometimes I have good dreams where me and the girls are playing and laughing and together. Then I hate to wake up in the morning because I wake up to an empty womb, empty arms, shattered heart, and a scar - but I like to wake up in a way because I get to remember the girls, I get to look at their pics, and tell the world about them. I am happy that my girls are safe, happy, and don't have to see how mean the world can be. Then I am sad because they aren't HERE where I can experience raising them & they can experience the world. I guess it's a constant collage of mixed emotions. Happy/sad - ok/not so good - half way normal/completely insane.... and the line between those emotions is getting thinner and thinner each and every day. I find myself being more and more irritable. And I don't mean to be - I just can't help it. I guess I am too overwhelmed with other emotions that I can't handle some things - even the little things that SHOULDN'T be an irritant. I "snap" really easy - but very mildly. I don't "freak out" and start screaming and cursing or anything. Maybe I should. Who knows. I know since the other day - with the extra salt that was added to my wounds --- I am really confused, feel helpless, sad - I think I am almost "distancing" myself. I'm at a cross-roads and I don't know what to do. I have been crushed over and over again - and REALLY didn't need this "salt". I noticed that I "analyize" things more and more now. I sit and think about everything - trying to decide "is this smoke and mirrors too?". I know I can't handle much more of anything. I don't even know who I am half the time any more. Now I'm rambling again. I'm trying to vent and bite my tongue at the same time - not working out very well. I'll close for now - try to re-group. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.

Jennifer

GRRRR! This is now my SECOND attempt at writing this blog. I was almost done earlier and I guess had a glitch and it was ALL GONE!!!! Ok, let me see if I can remember what I was talking about. Today was pretty good - for the most part. I went to a luncheon with Greg & Mama Linda for her class reunion. I knew some people there that are "family" on Greg's side - but not too many others. I was talking to one person who is related and knows all about the girls and them passing away - infact they were at their services - and at one point they sad "Well, you look like you are handling it well". I just smiled and said "Thank you, but it's all smoke and mirrors". Of course they got the idea that I really wasn't handling it as "well" as it looked and they changed the subject. I thought to myself "either they don't know me well enough to see the pain through the make-up and forced smiles or they were just trying to be nice". It is funny to me how I can SEEM to be "okay" when really I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown just about every minute of the day. I am constantly fighting tears causing a never-ending "lump" in my throat. Every second of the day I think about the girls - I miss them - my heart is broken terribly. They are in every thought I have - in every breath I take. It does give me a fragment of peace knowing that they are with me all the time. I guess you can call it "comforting". Of course I would rather have them here with me in "real life" - living & breathing. I would give ANYTHING just to hold them again. My arms literally ache because I long to hold them. I just want to see there sweet little faces and feel them in my arms. The amount & extent of pain that I feel each and every second of the day is best described as "unbelievable" - even to me sometimes. I catch myself several times a day trying to convince myself that this is all just a horrible nitemare and that I will "wake up" any minute. But, I never "wake up". The reality of it comes back and brings the heartache and pain with it. I am not in the position to question God (by any means) - nor would I question Him. I tell myself that He has his reasons and that I may not understand it right now but one day I will. I pray all day every day for some comfort, for the pain to ease up even if its just a little bit. When we were at the luncheon on the River Boat "cruise" I caught myself looking at the water and thinking "I could probably fill this whole river up with the tears that I have shed since my girls grew wings". There is this constant, nagging, completely intensly brutal emptyness in me. I can't take things "one day at a time", that's planning too far ahead - I can on handle one second at a time. I never know what lies around the corner - what will send me over the "tear threshold" - what will make me break down and cry in public. I used to be "scared" or "embarassed" to cry infront of people, knowing that they don't understand what I am going through. When someone looks at me they just see a girl - unless they know me. Then the people who know me usually see a mother whos' babies are in Heaven. They know I hurt. They know I struggle just to make it through each day. But, they will never know how much I hurt - how much I miss my babies - what it feels like to have something so perfect, so incredible, taken away - what it is like to pray that you hurry up and learn your "lessons on Earth" that God intends for you to endure, all just to see your babies again. They have "sympathy" but they will never experience what I feel for Laila & Jaida. Then again, I don't think I would want them to feel it even if they could. The way I see it is, my connection to my girls & the love that we have for eachother is a very special bond that can only be shared with me and them. Call me "selfish" but I want to be the only one to experience the connection I have with them. Since I can't have them with me right now I cherish the memories, the essence of Laila & Jaida, their mere presence. I only seem to be doing "ok" because I have them to keep me going. Like I said, looks can be decieving - it's all smoke and mirrors.

Jennifer

One step foreward - FIVE steps back. That's the story of my life lately. Everytime I think things are starting to balance out for me, WHAM! - right in the face. I give in a bit - and WHAM! - backfire. Never fails. But, what can you do? Take it with a grain of salt and keep on moving. Tuck you feelings away and pray for strength. I'm not going to go into much detail - that would be T.M.I. -- but, I'll just put it like this - salt in a wound, a very DEEP wound. I know God must think I'm strong - to keep throwing me these tests. All I can do is *smile and wave - smile and wave*. I refuse to let this break me. I refuse to let ANYTHING break me. The cosmos are sure trying though. I have been thru WAY WAY too much and still , here I am. The ONLY reason I am still here is because of my two little Angel Babies. They keep me going. Even when everything else in the world has let me down, I have my girls. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like the whole damn world is against me. Like I said - take it with a grain of salt - take it in stride. I'll just have to pray extra hard for strength. I know God listens to me. He takes notes. He sees all things. He knows what all this world has done to me. But, hey... He also blessed me with two beautiful girls. I would go thru ANYTHING as long as I have my girls memory with me. My sweet baby girls - I love them so much. Is it wrong to wish your days away? I wouldn't say I "wish" them away - I just wish I could see my girls sooner - more than anything. I wish for the weight to lift up off my shoulders. I wish for things to just "work out". I don't even really know what else to say. It's hard to tell your feelings when your biting your tongue. One of these days I'm gonna bite my tongue OFF. Atleast I don't have to bite my tongue when I pray. Like I said - God already knows everything. It's nice to have that comfort - knowing that He has already seen and heard it all - and is waiting for the "right time". What's the saying? ...All in due time. Well, I think I'm "due". I could be wrong. I know some people who get sooooo mad at God. They ask and ask for certain things. "Ask and ye shall receive" --- But, what if the answer is "no"? Then what? I guess no one ever really thinks about that. Kind of like "are we there yet? are we there yet?..." eventually you will get "there". But, you get told "no" several times before that. Man, I'm rambling. Guess its time to wrap this one up -- I'll try to re-group and finish this later.